Saturday 11 February 2012

Article 5: Diaries of a Haus Frau – the things you should NEVER take for granted.

This isn’t one of those stories about people’s “first world” problems like not knowing which pair of shoes goes best with your new jeans or to whether to use the your smart phone or laptop to check your online friend’s status.

It’s a warning to other Haus Frau of the truth behind what your children (the little ones and the one you married) actually mean or do, when they tell you specific things.

An example from a previous article is my then two and a half year old telling us she wasn’t jumping on the bed; she was jumping on the doona. The doona just happened to BE on the bed at that point in time.

Others you may want to look out for are when they tell you they’ve checked all their pockets before handing over their dirty clothes. I can assure you sand and tissues are the nicer things I’ve then found amongst the wet washing when going to hang it out. However, I did prove that my husband’s USB stick was washable… four times. The argument put before me was I was doing the washing, why wasn’t I checking the pockets. Personally, once I’ve collected it from the various parts of the house it is left, turned it all around the right way, ensured all stains, spots and skids are sprayed, sorted it into the appropriate washing piles, washed it, dried it and ironed or folded it… they can meet me half way and empty their damn pockets before I am sent on the initial retrieval duties. Surely!

Never believe them when they say they have emptied their bags of all necessary items before it is stored away. Whether this is over the weekend or for extended periods of time, just don’t. The older “child” will often have left bills, money or required documentation of some sort hidden away until it’s really needed or way past due. The actual children of the group will leave the obvious half eaten, spilt, chewed and dishevelled foods and lunch boxes. It’s a given, how dumb are you? But they are also prone to forget library books, work or those toys desperately required at two AM or you’ll not be allowed to sleep again. My favourite is when they leave those important school notices in there. You know, the ones that you either find ON the day of the excursion – including the list of essential your child MUST BRING items you of course don’t have in your house – or that a bake sale needs you, today, this morning, right now for one of those baked goods it usually takes two days to prepare.

Another thing you should never take for granted is when your other half assures you he’ll clean up after dinner, seeing as how you cooked and served it. This tends to mean, if you’re lucky, he’ll put the re-usable left overs away. You may even get some of the dishes rinsed. They’ll still all be there, delicately balanced in a way they’ll topple any moment, for your attention the moment you get the time and energy to attend to them. And, of course, if mashed potato is involved and you don’t check on where the kids were sitting until the next day, you’re going to need a hammer and chisel to remove them from the table. And a damp sponge if carpet is affected. We won’t mention cous cous, just remember to keep the vacuum cleaner on stand by and don’t walk bare footed near the table.

The more obvious one is when you ask the younger children if they need a new nappy, or need to use the potty if they’ve reached that magical toilet training stage. Is my sarcasm font working? The puddles and or smell tend to assist in the believability (and lack thereof) of their answer.

The most generic ones to sharpen your sense on are the one liner’s they give like: “But I looked there!”, “Yes, I’ve done that.”, “It wasn’t me.” Or the absolute pinnacle: “Nothing!” after those wondrous ripping, breaking and screaming noises have died down and you ask what happened. Don’t ask, just go see. Try not to look that upset or use your angry voice until they’ve spilled the beans, ‘kay? Or you’ll never learn the whole truth.

There are many amazing, delightful and beautiful things to be found in the family home and through raising kids. I just strongly recommend you learn cynicism, scepticism and hone your mummy spidey skills along the way. It’s to ensure those delightful little surprises don’t have you in tears in your first year.

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