Article 1: Diaries of a Haus Frau (Aka The Haus Frau Compendium)

Introduction to my column on the joys, fears, tears and every day living as a Haus Frau... It's really just a composition of little household tips and tricks, dished out with a large helping of sarcasm in places and truthful, helpful knowledge in others.

A modified version of this was won me a prize on the Kleenix Mum's website last year. Lovely over night bag as my prize too. ;-)

 We will start with explaining what exactly a Haus Frau is to see if you qualify for the title. A Haus Frau is a female (though there is the rare breed the Haus Mensch; we will touch on him later) who may appear to stay at home so not having to go to a 9 to 5 job, but whose duties can consist of some to all of the following:

• Head of the household (not in the sense of earning the most money, but as in the person who runs the joint).
• Person responsible for majority of cleaning and maintaining of house and garden.
• The carer of small to not so small children (ie: the bigger ones they married).
• The account receivable and payable section of the home for all bills.
• Main provider of meals, cooked or purchased as she was too tired to do so.
• Purchaser of all items required by household, some psychic ability is required.
• Washer, ironer, mender and remover of all clothing worn by entire household.
• Garbage removalist (though she may have a man or child sub contracted into the role).
• Mender of boo boos, fixer of toys and mediator of arguments.
• The financial advisor and budgeter.
• Buyer, wrapper and sometimes giver of all gifts.
• Event organiser and reminder of the basic to important anniversaries, school excursions, holidays, etc.
• The entertainment for none school aged children.
• Animal welfare and protection (mostly from said small children).
• Medical receptionist who troubleshoots before calling for specialist consultation.
• Trainer of toddlers from food to walking to “not on the floor, in the potty!”
• School taxi, school bus, call it what you like just get out and don’t forget your lunch!

There are many variants on these duties and others that are added depending on lifestyle. Being a Haus Frau is a full time job, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... Often squeezed in on top of any actual "paid work" some women have the pleasure of also needing to do. However, I do wish to emphasise that a Haus Frau is not someone who:

• Drops kids off, leaves a ‘to do’ list for the help and goes shopping.
• Prioritises hair and beauty appointments over getting that odd stain out of the carpet.
• Spends 80% of the week out with friends for coffee (possibly attired as if they’ve been to the gym, even though they haven’t).
• Uses child care as a way to keep the house clean so she can spend her time socialising, rather than dealing with children.
• Has a child as an accessory they can hand over to the help when it no longer matches her outfit or agenda.

As for the Haus Mensch, they are indeed a rarer breed and even rarer yet if they actually do more than 50% of the duties of the Haus Frau listed above and not expect the wifey to do it when she gets home from work. A true Haus Mensch also knows that just because his partner earns more than him, doesn’t mean he can’t leave her the last chocolate from time to time!

There is no holiday or sick leave given to the Haus Frau. Rarely any thanks either. But, in their own special way (when looked for really, REALLY hard through squinty eyes), she will see how much her family loves her, cherishes her and wouldn't be able to manage without her. This last fact is usually obvious when the Haus Frau has to be away from the house for more than a day. The occasional pat on the bum at the kitchen sink, sticky cuddle or well meant "This is a picture of you with your angry face" drawing can go a long way, if allowed.

Best suggestion to anyone wanting to become a Haus Frau, go for it! The benefits of the little gems husbands and children share with you can make it worth while. Embrace their mess, their need for a referee, judge, cook, cleaner, driver, etc. Knock yourself out! And once you wake back up, remember to keep a tally and remind them when they're older and its surprising what the rewards can be.