It’s a warning to other Haus Frau of the truth behind what
your children (the little ones and the one you married) actually mean or do,
when they tell you specific things.
An example from a previous article is my then two and a half
year old telling us she wasn’t jumping on the bed; she was jumping on the
doona. The doona just happened to BE on the bed at that point in time.
Others you may want to look out for are when they tell you
they’ve checked all their pockets before handing over their dirty clothes. I
can assure you sand and tissues are the nicer things I’ve then found amongst
the wet washing when going to hang it out. However, I did prove that my husband’s
USB stick was washable… four times. The argument put before me was I was doing
the washing, why wasn’t I checking the pockets. Personally, once I’ve collected
it from the various parts of the house it is left, turned it all around the
right way, ensured all stains, spots and skids are sprayed, sorted it into the
appropriate washing piles, washed it, dried it and ironed or folded it… they
can meet me half way and empty their damn pockets before I am sent on the
initial retrieval duties. Surely!
Never believe them when they say they have emptied their
bags of all necessary items before it is stored away. Whether this is over the
weekend or for extended periods of time, just don’t. The older “child” will
often have left bills, money or required documentation of some sort hidden away
until it’s really needed or way past due. The actual children of the group will
leave the obvious half eaten, spilt, chewed and dishevelled foods and lunch
boxes. It’s a given, how dumb are you? But they are also prone to forget
library books, work or those toys desperately required at two AM or you’ll not
be allowed to sleep again. My favourite is when they leave those important
school notices in there. You know, the ones that you either find ON the day of
the excursion – including the list of essential your child MUST BRING items you
of course don’t have in your house – or that a bake sale needs you, today, this
morning, right now for one of those baked goods it usually takes two days to
prepare.
Another thing you should never take for granted is when your
other half assures you he’ll clean up after dinner, seeing as how you cooked
and served it. This tends to mean, if you’re lucky, he’ll put the re-usable
left overs away. You may even get some of the dishes rinsed. They’ll still all
be there, delicately balanced in a way they’ll topple any moment, for your
attention the moment you get the time and energy to attend to them. And, of
course, if mashed potato is involved and you don’t check on where the kids were
sitting until the next day, you’re going to need a hammer and chisel to remove
them from the table. And a damp sponge if carpet is affected. We won’t mention
cous cous, just remember to keep the vacuum cleaner on stand by and don’t walk
bare footed near the table.
The more obvious one is when you ask the younger
children if they need a new nappy, or need to use the potty if they’ve reached
that magical toilet training stage. Is my sarcasm font working? The puddles and
or smell tend to assist in the believability (and lack thereof) of their
answer.
The most generic ones to sharpen your sense on are the one
liner’s they give like: “But I looked there!”, “Yes, I’ve done that.”, “It wasn’t
me.” Or the absolute pinnacle: “Nothing!” after those wondrous ripping,
breaking and screaming noises have died down and you ask what happened. Don’t
ask, just go see. Try not to look that upset or use your angry voice until they’ve
spilled the beans, ‘kay? Or you’ll never learn the whole truth.
There are many amazing, delightful and beautiful things to
be found in the family home and through raising kids. I just strongly recommend
you learn cynicism, scepticism and hone your mummy spidey skills along the way.
It’s to ensure those delightful little surprises don’t have you in tears in
your first year.
~
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